woensdag 28 september 2011

Scratch my Bitch...35,344 "restaraunts" in 98 countries, Haarlemtown too.

People of Haarlemtown it almost as if we live in heaven on earth. I mean all one has to do here in Haarlemtown to feel th wealth is to roll out of bed and stroll into town. There the bling bling of what humanity has to trade and sell in the common market is served to us all microwaved and packaged in paper. We are lucky people.
Opening soon here in H'town, a brand new Subway franchise, the McDonalds of sandwiches back in town. Smack dab right in the middle of town, one of the first things you will see (if you peddle with your eyes open) along the Kruisstraat, across from the Hema, when coming in to town. A fucking Subway. Come on H'town, we can do better than this. Or can we? I remember reading in the Haarlems Dagblad a number of months ago (yes, i read the paper everyday, i got my finger on the pulse) an article/interview with the previous business owner at the same location. Maybe some other people remember what used to be there as well, a belegde broodjes shop, a sort of delicatessean, an independent meat man, selling cold cuts, tuna salad, roast chickens, all that sort of stuff. He had to close up shop because the rent of the location became to high, and I guess the want for homemade sandwiches was not too highly in demand. So he is gone and in its place we get a Subway franchise, a place for pimpled faced teenagers to work and serve up standardized,commercialized food. Another chain store in the noose that is slowly strangling the independent business situation in Haarlem. Though to be honest, there are a number of independent shop owners who sell over priced bullshit all over town. Rents in the commericial district of this city are staggering and the "good will" to take over another business is obscene. Haarlem is becoming, has become just like all other city centers in the Netherlands. The same shops, the same shit everywhere. So it is easy when "travelling" in Holland, everything is familiar, no need to take a chance. So when tourists stroll into town from the station, stoned and hungry from their day in Amsterdam, the Subway will be there all neon and microwave ready to feed them their meal deal. Unless the fake stank of grilled meat from the Burger King in the station triggers their Pavlovian need to eat shit, first. It usually does mine.

dinsdag 27 september 2011

Scratch my Bitch...New Shoes.

I hate buying new shoes.

Well actually I don't really ever wear shoes. I think since I was 16 or 17 all I wear are some sort of combat/motorcycle/cowboy boot. Sometimes I might wear sneakers, but they seem like something that are meant only for the gym or for kicking a ball with. Unless you are some indie shoegaze rocker. Converse and Vans got co-opted by the mass hipsters long ago. Plus the pair of black velvet Pumas I bought last year still don't fit right and suffcate my feet everytime I try them on.
Shit kicking black leather boots are where it's at. Shoes are for office work. If you work in a job wear you have to wear shoes, it is probaly boring work that entails wearing a suit and tie to. I used to wear shoes and a tie when I waited tables. Fuck waiting tables. At least when I worked in the kitchen as a cook you get to wear rubber clogs. I do dig Crocs.
Buying new boots sucks. I wear my boots to the bitter end. Till the rubber soul is cracked and pealing off the bottom of the leather boot. Till my big toe can kiss pavement as I walk down the street. Once boots are broken in, they can carry your strut everywhere. But the process of breaking in the new boots is a painful one. I mean just going shopping for new ones is a pain in the ass. Do I get the same style, just like the ones I have been wearing for the last three years? Or should I get something new? I search for simple, but only find kick ass boots I can't afford or ugly ass cheap imitations that are embarassing even to look at. Plus the dude standing in the corner, he who followed me upstairs into the men section, readjusting every boot I pick up to look at when I put them back. I pick up as many as possible to give him something to do, then say thanks and walk out of the store. Stepping in a puddle, the water seeps through the cracks in the rubber soul of my left boot and soaks through to my sock. I laugh and hope to get down to Waterlooplein sometime next week.

maandag 26 september 2011

Scratch my bitch

Life as an expat can be an exciting adventure for those who choose to live abroad and delve into a foriegn culture. It creates an oppurtunity for one to broaden their own horizon when it comes to the understanding of another culture. As an expat myself, i truly believe that the expierence I am living through now has helped me to understand other persons from diverse backgrounds in a very deep and dynamic way. But sometimes, I just don't fucing get it. It...what...people, life...this fucking world.

Ok, Here is my bitch. All over the world, countries are more focused then ever to force new residents to attend courses where the new immigrants/expats learn about the history, the culture, the customs, the proper response to seeing two men kissing, in their new land of residence. What is most stressed upon by naturalized citizens of these countries is the fact that the new immigrants have to learn to speak the mother tongue of that land. New citizens have to learn to speak the language to get on in a new society. I agree to with this point, to a certain extent. But that is not what I am getting at here.

What I am trying to get my head around here is, why is that on one of the Netherlands most viewed television shows, "The Voice of Holland" do almost all the contestants sing in fucking English? Ok, I know the immediate response is, "well English is an international language and if you want your music to be heard....blah blah blah bleh." I know something like 95% of Dutch musicians/singers perform in English. Ok so what, I don't care unless their english sucks and their lyrics sound like they were written by junior high school prepubescent jerk offs. All I am saying is why call the a show "The Voice of Holland" when your contestants don't sing in Dutch? Huh? I mean how many times a week do I have to deal with someone saying to me, "oh, I should speak Dutch to you." No shit, and say that in Dutch too! And then I start speaking in Dutch, and halfway through the conversation I am butchering the Dutch language and the Dutch person is talking in some fake British accent and I am yawning.

My point here...my question...my statement...my bitch...If you are going to single someone out as the voice of wherever they are from, shouldn't they be performing in that countries mother tongue. Otherwise back off all the fucking immigrants for not learning the language and let them jabber away in what ever jawah taal they want. And you Dutch folk, I know you like to practice your english, your little love/hate relationship with everything not Dutch and American. Your Miami wet dreams and Hollywood wannabe boners, Well if you want to singing in english, go ahead and do it. Just don't suck at it. I mean we already have plenty of Americans back in the States singing in english and they can't even speak the language either.


donderdag 8 september 2011

Haarlemtown 2011.

Haarlemtown, my town, our town, glorious mind snumbing beautiful frustrating and heartwarming Haarlemtown
023 in the mutherfuckin Leidsebuurt callin out to ya’ll, Haarlemtown
Haarlemtown, who saved me from the existential American consumer horror
Watching the world unfurl from haarlemtown, watching you all Haarlemtown
The ontwinkelening twinkling eyes of haarlemtown,
The godverdamenr sai eyes of haarlemtown, open your eyes plenty to do in haarlemtown
The ghost of the Fietsznfabriek still resonates in the chaos of the phoenix 13, Haarlemtown
The rock steady dub roll of Laag Sounds and lekkah band Haarlemtown
The Patronaat all concrete and glass, with a Blij guy at the helm and in control
The Storing, fired my ass and I can only be grateful to not work at Bruxelles on Zee
Who said its boring here in haarlemtown, was it you was it me?
From the Toneel and Film schuur to the schauwburg and the philharmonie, Haarlemtown culture city,
Haarlemtown let us not forget the under appreciated always free and amazingly programmed Patronaat Café, damn we are lucky here in haarlemtown.
Haarlemtown are we a
a culturstad
A winkel stad
A jazz stad
A stad als podium
A hooftstad
A Bloemstaad
a schizophrenic whore of a stad, Haarlemtown
From the Pitcher to the Briljant, the Melkwoud to the Jeltes, the Vijfhoek, the Stalker the Botermarkt, the Stiels, there are plenty ways to waste your days pay getting wasted in Haarlemtown
Haarlemtown, all the greedy maakelaars and tired coffee bars, how many all you can eat sushi places do we need to feed haarlemtown
Born to consume in Haarlemtown with over 125 café, bars and restaurants I always eat in the same damn places in Haarlemtown
Haarlemtown, lunch by the overkant, pizza by pappies, garronies ice cream and Frans the kapper for keeping my beard in control here in Haarlemtown
Haarlemtown in memorial the Cinema palace – what a waste to tear away, we don’t need anymore overpriced ultrahip clothing stores in haarlemtown, this our town.
Fuck Heemstede, Aardenhout and Bloemedal- haarlemtown is not your shopping mall
Haarlemtown, conflicted by its concrete present and its beloved rough house past.
Haarlemtown – Horizontil vertical, klein haarlem, 37PK, the Piet and Jan museum and all the upstart art intitiatiefs in haarlemtown
Haarlemtown DIY, do it yourself Haarlemtown– Geertruida, Haarlems atllernaief, metal night haarlemtown the begijnszaal as a headbangers hangout, all Haarlemtown needs is some Minor Operations for its punk rock soul Haarlemtown.
Haarlemtown mediate with Generation Y in haarlemtown cause haarlems is where it is at.
Haarlemtown fuck the cultural bezunning take the art to streets haarlemtown
Haarlemtown ultimate respect to Tony and Willeke from the Daisy Bell, all the musicians from Haarlemtown salute you.
Haarlemtown fuck the vastgoed mafia that kicking out the better projects in haarlemtown
Haarlemtown Kraaken gaat door Haarlemtown, the weggave winkel the only way not to spend a dime in haarlemtown
Haanes Kuiper still rocking in the free world in Haarlemtown
Holy shit haarlemtown PP fischer finally made a baby in boy in Haarmlemtown
Haarlemtown when will we see an alternative Bevrijdingspop in Haarlemtown, if you ask me no one is free between fences, shit beer, over priced food and pin automats in Haarlemtown
Haarlemtown at least our burgermeester is somewhat of a rock and roller
Will some one please tell me where I can get a godamn good hamburger in Haarlemtown.
And finally,
Thank you Haarlemtown for giving me and the Irrational Library a home, here in Haarlemtown